Wonder One

I've always had issues getting a good nights rest. "Ever since you were a baby!" My mother has said numerous times after my complaints. Yet, I still haven't accepted the fact that I can't seem to acquire something so natural and necessary for humans. I lie in frustration night after night, knowing that it won't get me to sleep, but hoping it will. I've talked to doctors, therapists and even my psychology professorr from my first year of college. All gave out similar information and dignostics. Of course, nothing I hadn't heard before, but can't say I wasn't going to be unconvinced. I've been diagnosed with mild insomnia by doctors. In my case, I do sometimes sleep. But for short periods of time and it takes me a very long while to get there. Apparently, it is caused by what the therapist called "an overactive, creative wonder, that is your very own brain". The funny thing is, the therapist hardly knew me. The doctor doesn't know me, just the me displayed on her chart. My doctor's opinion was, well a doctor's opinion, taking medication. But I rather not become a dependant, pill popping sleeper. Now, my psychology professor didn't know me at all, I was 1 among some 400 students in his lecture hall. After a lecture on sleep, I was bubbling with questions. I presented him my personal problems and issues with sleep. He asked me a few simple questions regarding my personal life and what it came down to was that, I choose to let myself not sleep. What? Are you %#$@^&! kidding me? Thousands of dollars spent on my education, thousands of dollars spent on his education, and several degrees with his name on it, and all he has to say is I choose to not let myself sleep? It didn't occur to me until much later that maybe he was some what right. There are nights where I choose to let a bunch of thoughts bounce through my mind. But ultimately, I couldn't exactly tell you how to turn them off. A thought here and there turns into thinking of your fear of death and the next thing you know, your mind has lead you all the way to if Britney is free for lunch tomorrow. That's where my professor was "some what" right. I don't mind a thought or two. It after all could be interesting. But one thought wave after another? No wonder you can't sleep.

Although I want to be able to have a regular nights sleep on a regular basis, I've become content with my sleeping problems. Yes, I'm tired all the time and occasionally cranky. But I've learned I can accomplish so much before my brief bedtime. It is afterall, where I discoverd my passion for music, literature and writing. (See example, my blog). It is where I do my best thinking, writing, and hey, even cleaning. So maybe I'm content enough with it that I can learn to embrace it most of the time... (See quote at the top of my page).

Even though, mornings certaintly are not my thing. Another morning awaken with tiredness. Hence me embracing it most of the time.

Good night & day world.
-Jovana