Wonder Four

I like to act as if I were fearless. Nothing terrifies me, nothing holds me back, and nothing makes me run and hide. But as I sit and ponder, I could think of one too many things that strike fear throughout my veins. There's those phobias I posses, such as death (thantophobia) and the unknown. To my weird, peculiar phobia of submarines (ipobrichiophobia). And then there are those other things, we're scared of, that we forget to mention when asked, "What's your biggest fear?"
Love. Loss. Loneliness. Deception. Decision. Future. Regret.
Just to name a few of mine. Common fears shared from person to person. Ones we fear for different reasons. And for me, they intertwine like a spider's web...

I fear love because of fear of loss, deception, decision, future, and regret.

I fear loss because of fear of loneliness, deception, future, and regret.

I fear loneliness because of fear of love, loss, decision, future, and regret.

I fear deception because of fear of love, loneliness, decision, and regret.

I fear decision because of fear of love, loss, loneliness, future, and regret.

I fear future because of fear of love, loss, loneliness, deception, decision, and regret.

I fear regret because of fear of love, loss, loneliness, deception, decision, and future.

As hard as I try, I can't seem to get away from these fears. They strike me in the face left and right, day to day. I become more fearful everyday, as opposed to learning to jump the hurdle. I gain more fears, as opposed to less. Experience or lack there of is what has caused my fears. Fear of what has happened and not wanting it to happen again and fear of the unknown. If you fear love, what's the point in experiencing it? But doesn't that seem so absurd. You have to try telling yourself to fight through your fears. Let yourself experience your fears head on and learn from them, whether good or bad. I hope and wish that I could have it easy. That I could catch a break. I don't want to be afraid of love, loss, loneliness, deception, decision, and future. But I do for a reason and I will forever fear them. My goal, however, is to fear them a little less as time goes on. To learn how to put my guard closer to down so I can become closer to fearless. This won't be easy, but I'm going to give myself props for trying. Which makes me one step closer to fearless than I was before typing this out.

"The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt



Good night & day,
Jovana