Wonder Five

I've been lying here for the past 45 minutes in amazement over the concept of change. In the past, change was just something that occurred and I recognized as something that happened but it just wasn't a big deal. In looking back over where I was at this time last year, my state of amazement grows. When you hear, "a lot can happen in a year", you doubt it. You know things will change, shift around. But most likely it won't faze you too much. Or you won't be in awe over it like I am tonight.


This time last year, I was enrolled as a full time student at a university and was preparing for the following. I lived in away from home and was looking into places to live after the semester concluded. I wasn't employed, I had plenty saved up and was fortunate to have my parents support me. I had two best friends and I saw one of my best friends everyday, sometimes all day everyday. I was in a serious relationship. I didn't have a concrete, close knit group of friends.
Over the course of this year I've experienced the most change (without getting too in depth and too personal)... Changing schools, changing majors, changing goals. Moving home, getting a job, losing a job, losing a best friend. Realizing my dreams, realizing reality. New people, new fun. Friend drama, family drama. Experiencing heartbreak, deception, frustration, excitement, joy, nostalgia, bliss.
Now, to keep it short and sweet, I'm on a semester long break from school. I don't know what I want to do nor how or where to do it. I live with my parents. I'm completely and utterly broke and just recently became employed. My parents, due to difficult economic times, have just about cut me off. My best friend and I hardly ever see each other, at times it seems impossible. I'm no longer in a serious relationship. And lastly, I have a close knit, crazy, concrete group of friends that has become almost like family.

There have been bumps and detours along this road of a year, some that lead to good change, some that lead to bad. But all in all, through the amazement of how much has occurred in one year, I'm glad the change happened. Just like this quote from Arnold Bennett, "Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” I still have lots to figure out, learn, earn, and achieve. Yet, I feel I'm closer to getting my head situated (somewhat), and continuing to move forth. This time last year, I was lost. With the obvious things like career choices, future plans. But I as a person was lost. And although today I can't say I'm not lost or confused, I can say I'm more prepared for it than I was a year ago. I'm becoming more content on the person I am and the person I want to be.

So bring on the change. I can only take it the best I can and learn from it in the end. After all, everything happens for a reason.


Good night & day,
Jovana

Wonder Four

I like to act as if I were fearless. Nothing terrifies me, nothing holds me back, and nothing makes me run and hide. But as I sit and ponder, I could think of one too many things that strike fear throughout my veins. There's those phobias I posses, such as death (thantophobia) and the unknown. To my weird, peculiar phobia of submarines (ipobrichiophobia). And then there are those other things, we're scared of, that we forget to mention when asked, "What's your biggest fear?"
Love. Loss. Loneliness. Deception. Decision. Future. Regret.
Just to name a few of mine. Common fears shared from person to person. Ones we fear for different reasons. And for me, they intertwine like a spider's web...

I fear love because of fear of loss, deception, decision, future, and regret.

I fear loss because of fear of loneliness, deception, future, and regret.

I fear loneliness because of fear of love, loss, decision, future, and regret.

I fear deception because of fear of love, loneliness, decision, and regret.

I fear decision because of fear of love, loss, loneliness, future, and regret.

I fear future because of fear of love, loss, loneliness, deception, decision, and regret.

I fear regret because of fear of love, loss, loneliness, deception, decision, and future.

As hard as I try, I can't seem to get away from these fears. They strike me in the face left and right, day to day. I become more fearful everyday, as opposed to learning to jump the hurdle. I gain more fears, as opposed to less. Experience or lack there of is what has caused my fears. Fear of what has happened and not wanting it to happen again and fear of the unknown. If you fear love, what's the point in experiencing it? But doesn't that seem so absurd. You have to try telling yourself to fight through your fears. Let yourself experience your fears head on and learn from them, whether good or bad. I hope and wish that I could have it easy. That I could catch a break. I don't want to be afraid of love, loss, loneliness, deception, decision, and future. But I do for a reason and I will forever fear them. My goal, however, is to fear them a little less as time goes on. To learn how to put my guard closer to down so I can become closer to fearless. This won't be easy, but I'm going to give myself props for trying. Which makes me one step closer to fearless than I was before typing this out.

"The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt



Good night & day,
Jovana

Wonder Three

Why are we much more comfortable wishing and dreaming than doing? I wish it wasn't the case. 
I wish this would happen...
I dream of doing this...

So much of what we want out of our lives, seems so far out of reach. And we recognize that too often as defeat. If you want something, why only wish it could happen? Enact it. If you want something why only dream it? Attain it. We all know life is short. We feel it as the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years fly by. But it is ours, to make what we want of it. Being realistic is safe, however not a flaw.  Realizing your wishes and dreams can't come true at the rub of a lamp is, of course, reality.  But being able to know it can't happen over night, is one foot step on the venture to your wish or dream.

Wish upon a star...
Dream on...

Good night & day,
Jovana

Wonder Two

What's your sign? It may be the cheesiest pick up line in the history books, but to answer I'm a Gemini. The twins. I've often been told that means I have a split personality. I call it having an indecisive nature. Volleying back and forth on simple decisions like what to order at dinner to the difficult ones like what I want to be when I grow up. And everything in between. It could mean I'm more open minded than the non-Gemini. It could also mean I'm quite the dreamer. But I'm thinking being indecisive could mean, in some cases, the same as a split personality. Some people, I believe, confuse a person with a split personality to be a schizophrenic. Or simply psycho. That's not always the case. I also believe, almost everyone could be considered to have a split personality. They just don't know it or take note of it. It's the side of you, you can't control no matter how hard you try. The side run by emotions and feelings that conflict what you can control. My heart tells me this, my head tells me that. You, for the most part, can control your thoughts and what goes on in your brain. But your heart has its own agenda. Feelings and emotions are sneaky independents. Try as you might, but sometimes  you can't help what is going on with that side of you. You can be a smart woman or man and know in your mind that something isn't right for you; it's not what's best. But you feelings are shaking their heads and stomping their feet, giving you a difficult time. What I've learned is it's best to convince yourself you can't help your emotions, you can't help how you feel. You can't help what you're feeling. You can't help what you felt. Lets be honest, it isn't all that easy. Yet again, your mind is trying to convince you against your other side. It makes for complete mass confusion. We've all been there. And we all get through it. Admit it or not, we're all indecisive and split to a certain extent.

And whether or not you agree with me, what I'm saying is this... We, for the most part, are split. Our personalities are split, one ruled by mind, the other ruled by heart. One you can control and the other, well not so much.

Now should I wear jeans or a dress tomorrow? How will I ever decide?


Good night & day,
Jovana

Wonder One

I've always had issues getting a good nights rest. "Ever since you were a baby!" My mother has said numerous times after my complaints. Yet, I still haven't accepted the fact that I can't seem to acquire something so natural and necessary for humans. I lie in frustration night after night, knowing that it won't get me to sleep, but hoping it will. I've talked to doctors, therapists and even my psychology professorr from my first year of college. All gave out similar information and dignostics. Of course, nothing I hadn't heard before, but can't say I wasn't going to be unconvinced. I've been diagnosed with mild insomnia by doctors. In my case, I do sometimes sleep. But for short periods of time and it takes me a very long while to get there. Apparently, it is caused by what the therapist called "an overactive, creative wonder, that is your very own brain". The funny thing is, the therapist hardly knew me. The doctor doesn't know me, just the me displayed on her chart. My doctor's opinion was, well a doctor's opinion, taking medication. But I rather not become a dependant, pill popping sleeper. Now, my psychology professor didn't know me at all, I was 1 among some 400 students in his lecture hall. After a lecture on sleep, I was bubbling with questions. I presented him my personal problems and issues with sleep. He asked me a few simple questions regarding my personal life and what it came down to was that, I choose to let myself not sleep. What? Are you %#$@^&! kidding me? Thousands of dollars spent on my education, thousands of dollars spent on his education, and several degrees with his name on it, and all he has to say is I choose to not let myself sleep? It didn't occur to me until much later that maybe he was some what right. There are nights where I choose to let a bunch of thoughts bounce through my mind. But ultimately, I couldn't exactly tell you how to turn them off. A thought here and there turns into thinking of your fear of death and the next thing you know, your mind has lead you all the way to if Britney is free for lunch tomorrow. That's where my professor was "some what" right. I don't mind a thought or two. It after all could be interesting. But one thought wave after another? No wonder you can't sleep.

Although I want to be able to have a regular nights sleep on a regular basis, I've become content with my sleeping problems. Yes, I'm tired all the time and occasionally cranky. But I've learned I can accomplish so much before my brief bedtime. It is afterall, where I discoverd my passion for music, literature and writing. (See example, my blog). It is where I do my best thinking, writing, and hey, even cleaning. So maybe I'm content enough with it that I can learn to embrace it most of the time... (See quote at the top of my page).

Even though, mornings certaintly are not my thing. Another morning awaken with tiredness. Hence me embracing it most of the time.

Good night & day world.
-Jovana